Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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