...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
