Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
