Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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