If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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