look no pants
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
