Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
