I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
