Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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