I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
