I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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