Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
