I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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