I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
