i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
