Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
