I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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