my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
