Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
How's work?
Spinning.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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