How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
