it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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