ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
even my farts smell like vagina
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
