Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
