I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
