When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
