i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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