Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
