He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
