I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
