I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
