He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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