i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
