I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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