Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
