made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
