When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
