just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
