u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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