cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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