GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
