I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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