8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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