Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
