I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
