wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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