I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
