hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish you could order shots online.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
