If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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