i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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