yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
